Once Upon Another Lifetime
by Nanashi911
Summary: Alone and depressed in China; Syaoran finds Clow's old journal and learns more about himself than he may have wanted to know. EriolSyaoran, TomoyoSakura, ClowYue and more
1. Chapter 1

_This is going to be an Eriol x Syaoran fic by the end of it. But, the first few chapters are going to focus on Clow's past and try to explain why things might have gone the way they did in the series since most of Clow's past is a mystery except for some light shed in the first CCS movie. So, there will be some original characters, don't pay too much mind to it ok?_

**Once Upon Another Lifetime**  
_Chapter One_

"There is a letter for you son." Yelan said tapping lightly on the door to Syaoran's room.

The boy promptly jumped out of his bed and swung the door open to reveal his tall, lovely mother on the other side with a letter in hand.

He bowed to her respectfully, "Goodmorning mother."

She smiled, handing him the letter and then turned from the doorway sweeping down the hall to let him read. Syaoran tore hungrily at the envelope, he knew exactly who it was from and he had been awaiting a response for what seemed like ages.

Flinging himself on the bed, his heart beating wildly he read the letter.

**_Dear Syaoran, _**

Thank you for your last letter. I am glad you are still thinking of me all the way in China. I'm sorry I could not respond earlier, things around here have changed. Touya moved out with Yukito a month ago. Father has fallen ill and Tomoyo has been helping me take care of him. There is more.. I don't know how to say this but, I don't think we should continue writing to each other for a while. You see, it has been 3 years since we have seen each other, Syaoran, and you confirmed in your last letter that you couldn't come to visit this summer..again. I can't continue waiting, like I promised so long ago. I only found out a week ago from Chiharu that Tomoyo is in love with me and had been for years. Why didn't anybody tell me this? I confronted her about it, she told me everything and now..well.. now, we are together. She has been a big comfort for me, during our time apart and during my father's sickness..I owe everything to her and I only felt it fair that I should tell you now. I have enclosed in this letter something for you to remember me by..

Syaoran searched in the envelope and pulled out the Hope card.

**_..It was the last card we made together, and I only wish it's light never fades in your hands. Please forgive me Syaoran, I'll never forget you, and I'll always be here for you..I can promise at least that much. _**

Take care,  
Kinomoto Sakura

Syaoran hung his head in the darkness of his room, as his grip around the card tightened.

* * *

"Don't be silly Xiao-Lang! I broke our contract, I'm not going to go back on my word, you know how I am about things like that." Meiling said crossing her arms later that day in the garden courtyard.

"You know mother will push it, she wants to see me engaged..the family line continued.." Syaoran sighed blowing off a fallen cherry blossom from his nose.

Meiling blushed suddenly as if remembering a past memory. Syaoran's eyebrows raised curiously.

"What? What is it?"

"Well..how could you have continued the family line if you were attracted to Yukito back then?" Meiling smirked.

Syaoran's jaw hung open in thought, a warm breeze blowing in the silence.

"Good point, but I was young and stupid in those days..I have to take this sort of thing seriously now." he lectured.

Meiling pressed a hand to her forehead and sighed, "I suppose it was just the curse of the Clow blood in us."

Syaoran shifted in his seat, "Curse of the Clow blood? What do you mean?"

Meiling pulled both her hands over her mouth in sudden realization of what she said. Syaoran shot up off his seat and crossed the distance between them. Resting his hands on her shoulders he shook her softly.

"Meiling Li..you're hiding something from me.Tell me, what did you mean by that?"

His cousin shook her head, her eyes wide. He pried her hands off her mouth.

"Tell me!"

She finally shrugged her shoulders in defeat, motioning for him to follow her. Before long they were standing in the extensive library of the Li mansion.

"What are we doing here?" Syaoran said eyeing her oddly.

She pressed a single finger to her lips and pulled him in-between two shelves.

"Shhh..I couldn't tell you about this in the garden where one of your sisters might have been listening. Now just hold on, let me see here.." Meiling said turning her attention to the shelves and running her fingers along the spines of several books.

"Encyclopedia..encyclo...pedia.." she murmmered shuffling sideways on her feet and up on her tiptoes looking through the rows.

"Aha!" she exclaimed as she skipped between encyclopediea's pulling books out in turn.

"C.." she said pulling out book C halfway, "L..O..W!"

When the last book was pulled a tapestry on the far wall rolled up and revealed a secret door in the section of wall underneath it.

"What the hell?" Syaoran exclaimed as he watched the door open and Meiling climb through it.

He had no time to wonder as he found himself instantly follow her in. They climbed down various dark steps. Torches on the wall lit themselves as they approached and passed them.

"We must be hundreds of feet under the mansion!" Syaoran speculated.

Meiling only nodded trudging on. Before long they reached a wide bricked room, circular in design. In the middle stood a pedastal of stone mysteriously lighted to showcase a single thick book. She walked around to the face of it, pulling Syaoran along with her.

"Diary?" Syaoran said as he read off the cover of the book.

Meiling nodded, "I found this room when I was searching in the library for books on Clow's past."

Syaoran gave her a quizzical look.

Meiling elaborated, "Well, you know I have always been interested in magic, always searching for a loop hole or something that would help someone of Clow's indirect lineage to possess some kind of magical skill."

Syaoran nodded urging her to go on.

"Well...I became even more interested in Clow himself after meeting Yue, learning about Eriol, and Sakura becoming the Card Mistress. So..I looked up as much info as I could and eventually, rummaging through the library with a mishap or two, I found this room and then this..his diary."

"So what does it say?" Syaoran said studying the book from afar.

Meiling took the thick book from it's pedestal. She looked down at it, studying the cover of it closely as if she was thinking something over in her head. Then with a confident smile she turned to Syaoran and held it out for him.

"I think it's time you read it for yourself and then maybe..you might understand who you are a little more."

The game had just gotten interesting and there was no way he was going to let this chance go. A chance to get into the head and life of his idol and a chance to discover things about himself in the process was too good to pass up.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2 

Syaoran couldn't put the book down. He had spent some time reading in the circular room and now at night he read it like a bedtime story to sleep. In one evening he had gone through one fourth of the massive book. He realized Clow's style of writing was odd. He only wrote important events that stood out in his head and this diary didn't follow the day-by-day yearly timeline, it was the story of his life's important events, thoughts and feelings. More like distinct memoires rather than an actual journal.

He read about the ongoing process and improvements Clow underwent developing his magic. The death of his mother and father and him striking out on his own as he moved from England to Hong Kong. Now in the morning after breakfast he was locked in his room ready to flip to wherever he left off the night before.

_"Wednesday, January 5th,_

Today I met the rest of my mother's family at my cousin's birthday party. I never knew the Li Clan was so..prolific. Aunts, uncles, cousins, in laws, even distant relatives. The place was crowded so I was happy to get some time alone after a while. The funny thing was, when I went out to the garden, someone else had had the same idea I did. The brother of my second aunt's daughter Tsu Ling Tsukishiro, was also there. It didn't take long for me to recognize the chinese/japanese Xiaolin, with his wild hair and thick eyebrows that always made him look mad.  
"Long time no see Xiaolin." I said followed by a wink , "You don't write me anymore.."  
Needless to say he glared at me, which was his normal type of greeting.  
"Mind if I sit with you for a while?" I asked.  
"Actually.." he began, but knowing his answer, I quickly seated myself and thanked him anyway. He grumbled something under his breath like always and after a drawn out uncomfortable silence he decided to speak to me.  
"So what made you come all the way here from England?" he had said trying to make the best of the situation.  
I scooted closer to him, a seductive grin on my face.  
"Why, to see you again, Moonie, it had been so long and I was missing your amber eyes.."  
He growled, edging away from me as expected.  
"Can't you ever give a serious straight answer, without calling me Moonie for once?"  
I gave him a meaningful look and he threw his hands up in the air frustrated with me. _I was used to torturing my relative like this, we hardly ever had a serious conversation, he didn't stick around long enough, but the truth underneath it all was that I was really fond of him.. maybe a little more.."  
_  
Syaoran put the book down for a moment. Xiaolin reminded him of himself and the odd thing was his last name..Tsukishiro. Was there a reason he had Yukito's last name? And Clow..Syaoran always knew the man had been a little odd, but reading about him in his younger days reminded him too much of..Eriol. Syaoran was immensely interested in the interaction between these two, especially since for the first time he was reading about one of Clow's romantic interests. He wanted to know what happened to Xiaolin and why he was obviously not around in Yue's days. He wanted to know everything.

_"Saturday March 25th,_

There was a moon festival today and Xiaolin was there. I could almost see him twitch as I approached him, it was funny.  
"How appropriate seeing you here Moonie-chan!" I chirped.  
He snapped at me like always telling me not to call him Moonie. I couldn't help his last name meant Moon Castle and he was at a moon festival..perhaps I should not have mentioned to him that he would have made a lovely moon princess. He would have left my company too if I hadn't promised him something special by the end of the night. I knew I would impress him with the first few cards I created for a set I am planning on in the future. I still have no idea what to call them, Black cards, Moon Cards, Sun cards..the name will come to me later.  
But anyhow, he let me tag along with him during the festival, telling me the entire time that my surprise better be good. I didn't care if he ended up impressed or not afterwards, I was just happy to spend time with him. By the end of the night he was slightly used to having me near him, or maybe he just learned to tolerate me. I thought it was the perfect time to show him my cards and how they worked.  
"It's a combination of eastern and western magic. I came up with it myself but I still need to work some bugs out.!" I remember telling him and he was not keen about the idea until I pulled a few cards out and showed the kind of power they possessed, along with the potential they held for the future.  
He was so excited about the whole thing that he actually gave me a real smile, an excited cheerful one. I told him he had a cute smile and that he should do it more often. Then he did the cutest thing. He blushed. I stopped my teasing for a while, and he stopped his glaring.  
"I never knew you could actually be serious about something Clow." he smirked.  
"I never knew you could do anything but frown." I teased.  
We both laughed and then ended the night gazing and talking about the moon. I decided that my next magical quest would be to harness the power of the moon we both loved so much."

"So..Clow had an affinity with the moon. Interesting.." Syaoran mused. He could tell that Clow was really serious about including this guy in his life. In a way, being such a big fan of his ancestor, Syaoran was insulted that Xiaolin would not have given Clow a chance..but at the same time if Clow was anything like Eriol, he could understand,

_"Wednesday June 8th,_

I have finally perfected my form of magic, and for some extra cash I have started telling tourists in Hong Kong their fortunes. People say I am so good that I should make a living out of it. I heard in another part of town that there is a sorceress who tells fortunes by reading water. I wanted to see if she too made her own style of magic, so I bribed Xiaolin (by telling him I'd make him his own card) to come with me to visit.

Her shop was by the sea, nothing too elaborate. A long line waited outside and I convinced Xiaolin to wait it out with me. When we got in we found the sorceress seated behind a large bin of water, the place surrounded by candles and incence. She was young, about our age with long black hair in a fancy traditional outfit. She glared at us instantly and said she had been expecting us. Xiaolin and I gave each other mocking looks. I tried talking to her, to see what her magic was like, but the woman wouldn't even tell us her name (she said you could curse someone just by knowing their name), so I just gave her the nickname Madoushi, which literally just means sorceress. It wasn't long before some of her customers recognized me and asked me if I could do their fortunes too. Insulted and infuriated, Madoushi threw us out saying I was taking away her business and that I should go back to my part of town.

It was an interesting day meeting my rival for the first time. I wish it had gone better than it did, but she obviously saw me as competition rather than comrade. Her style of magic was effective but I think I'll stick to my cards. Xiaolin was not too happy about our visit and said we should keep our distance."

Syaoran raised a curious brow. So Clow met a sorceress. Obviously she was important enough for him to write about. He wondered why Xiaolin distrusted her. He sat back in his chair and turned the page.

_"Sunday August 15th_

Well, it's obvious Madoushi hates me. She's tried various times to put a spell on me which, with the help of a somewhat reluctant Xiaolin, was stopped. I guess it's her way of eliminating competition? But I don't let it get to me. It's almost fun pissing her off. Kill her with kindness right? I suppose it's because she hates me that I love teasing her, but it's not that I hate her, she is the only other sorceress around to develope a unique style of magic afterall. Today happened to be her birthday and I decided to call it a truce between us, at least on my part. To show her that there were no hard feelings, again on my part, I went to visit her with a small gift. I know how much she liked putting her hair up so it would be out of the way when she told her fortunes, so I got her a hairpin. I found her at a gazebo where she goes to rest and that's where I gave it to her. She was surprised, maybe shocked? She couldn't exactly get the right words out but I think she liked it. I didn't stick around to hear her thanks.

But that was not as big as what happened next. I was walking away from the gazebo and stunned Madoushi, when Xiaolin strolled out from behind a corner. He was extremely angry, I could tell because his eyebrows frowned more than usual. He asked me to explain what I was doing seeing the sorceress again. I told him it was her birthday and I gave her a hairpin.  
"Do you like her?" he asked spitefully turning away from me.  
I was feeling something odd about him today, his distrust of her had grown into something more.. so I approached him.  
"What's wrong Xiaolin?" I asked curiously as I grabbed his shoulder.  
He flinched away, "Just answer the damn question, you are infatuated with her aren't you!" he yelled.  
How could he possibly think something like that? He still didn't know what I felt for him?-"

Syaoran nearly dropped the book.  
"Please don't tell me this is going where I think it's going!" he whimpered, looking back at the page.

_"- So I did the only thing I could do, I turned him around and looked at him firmly. His expression turned into one of mild surprise as he caught my sentiment and my lips closed in on his. After our session, he smiled, still teary eyed.  
"I thought I was losing you to her." he had said with a sad sigh. I chuckled as I hushed him and brought him closer to me. We spent that cool summer night overlooking the water, under a shining moon and in each other's arms."_

Syaoran sweat-dropped as his face shrivled up into one of shock and dread.  
"So Clow and what seemed like Yuki's ancestor who happened to look like me were an item?" Syaoran pondered.  
But what did all of this mean to him? He decided to read on and find out why Xiaolin was obviously not part of Clow's known life. What happened?

_"Monday, October 31st_

It's been a happy 3 months for Xiaolin and I, and on this day where spirits walked the grounds (well at least in my european half of beliefs) my spirits were high, they **were **high. It all happened when I convinced my Li family to throw a halloween party. I told them it would be fun and it was, untill later that night. Xiaolin, in his little wolf costume, approached me with an expression so sad I couldn't have been anything else at that moment but worried. I asked him what was wrong, but he only looked up at the full moon.  
"Sometimes I envy you Clow, for not having parents." he said sadly.  
I pulled him close to me, "What happened?" I pleaded.  
He took a moment to gather his thoughts, or courage and then faced me with tears in his eyes. Xiaolin was a lot more sentimental than he would like to be.  
"My parents announced my engagment to a girl in Japan. I am to wed her next month. There is nothing I can do about it.." he said nearly ready to burst.  
Of course it had been a problem that Xiaolin hadn't found a suitable mate in his long 23 years. I didn't count..infact nobody knew of us and we wanted to keep it that way for as long as possible but, it seemed his family gave up hope on him and arranged a marriage.  
Xiaolin cried on my shoulder for hours and all I could do was hold him. Tonight was the saddest night of my life."  
_  
_Syaoran couldn't help but feel sorry for the pair. Clow might have been a nutty guy but he obviously cared for his little wolf. He wondered who the girl was, and if this was the reason why Xiaolin was no longer a part of Clow's life in Kero and Yue's days. He wondered why they didn't keep in touch?

_"Friday, November 20th_

Today was the fateful day. Xiaolin was scheduled to ship to Japan to meet his bride and then marry that night. He begged me to go with him, he was nervous and heartbroken and needed someone to go on the trip with him.  
"In truth I want to spend our last days together Clow, to the very end." he told me.  
I agreed to go, I wanted to see the girl who would take the love of my life away from me and at least make sure he was in good hands. I can't sleep tonight. My mind is racing with the fact I have to let him go tomorrow and still...I can't seem to find the strength to write.."

_"Tuesday, November 24th_

The trip to japan took nearly a day, and the journey to the town called Tomoeda took a bit more. We made it to the town today, it was a gloomy cloudy day as if it had been raining for some time. I can still feel the way Xialoin gripped my hand tightly in the carriage as we neared the mansion. He was almost clinging to me and I would have done the same, not wanting to let him go ever, but our time became shorter and shorter untill finally the carriage had stopped, reaching it's destination. Slowly I let his hand go. We were led to the front steps of the modest looking home. It looked like this was a status-raising marriage, where a normal middle class family would be tied to a prosperous family with history..there must have been something to gain in all this. It was customary for the groom not to see his bride untill the actual day of the wedding. Xiaolin was immediately taken from my side by the girl's family to the section of the house where he'd be prepped for the wedding. I did however get a glance of his future wife. She had short brown hair and brilliant green eyes. Pretty, in a cute way...the kind of person who would make a good wife to someone. She looked nervous, I couldn't quite bring myself to hate her, there was an innocence in the way she gazed at me before being pulled away to her wedding prep chamber. I suppose I was leaving my love in suitable hands...and yet I couldn't help but cry on the inside even as I chatted cheerfully with her family.

The afternoon lingered on and the ceremony started just as the sun began to set. The ceremony itself was a private matter between the groom his bride and their parents only. I had to wait untill the following reception to see him. But I was there among the crowd of family members to see him off. He was dressed in fine clothes, pure white and chinese-styled. He was nervous, his eyes almost tearful, but he held a look of rigid confidence like he was determined to get this over with. I looked at him for a second and he looked back before he was nudged through the doors. His bride waited on the other side already at the alter. It was the last time I would see my little wolf as the single man I once loved."

Syaoran was in shock, he felt a heavy sadness for Clow, slowly losing eveything he loved. That green eyed girl seemed familiar to him, but he couldn't quite put his finger on it. It didn't matter his mind was still reeling with the sad twist Clow's entries had taken. Perhaps this was why Xiaolin was no longer in his life. Yet marriage never stopped anyone from keeping in touch. He was curious to find out what happened and what led to Clow's life as a recluse.

_"Wednesday, November 25th_

I felt like writing early today. I'm on the carriage back to the port...alone. Yesterday's reception keeps haunting me. I remember seeing the couple emerge from the ceremonial room. The nervousness from before had lifted a little, but I saw the uncertianty in his eyes as our gazes locked. His wife immediately rushed to her older brother and father. Xiaolin followed the entire family to the reception room. I saw the forced smiles he was giving the crowd during dinner, trying to chat happily about his plans for the future. Some people from my family had asked him about when they were planning to have children. I couldn't help but turn away as he struggled to answer and his bride blushed wildly at the thought. I excused myself saying I had to go to the washroom and once I arrived I was overcome with emotion..finally having some time to myself. Everything had happened so quickly, but my moment didn't last as Xiaolin came in after me. We held each other for the longest time in the privacy of that washroom. I hadn't been able to get a single decent word in the whole time..but it was wasted kissing him wildly..we knew it would be the last time we'd touch again.  
I remember him telling me "I can't do this Clow..I don't think I can live here so far away from my family back home in China..and without you."  
As always I had to be the strong one. I held him at arms length and I told him he had to be brave. He was a man now, a married man and he had to act like one. He had to forget about what we had and focus on his new life, even though I would always be there for him despite the distance. Me and my cleverness...always the wise one right? The rest of the night had passed like a blur untill it came time leave and I left him standing by the doorway, his arm around his wife as she waved goodbye to us all, and all I could do was smile and look away from his amber colored eyes.  
Now here I am..as my carriage approaches the harbor where the ship taking me back to China is docked. I notice.. there is no moon tonight."

Syaoran clenched his fists in anger as he turned the page to the next dreaded entry.

_"Saturday April 17th_

I know I haven't written anything in a long time. But today I got news of something I never want to forget. A package came to me from Japan. It had a letter addressed from Xiaolin's wife. I tore at the package first before reading her letter curious about what was in it. It was Xiaolin's Rashin board. The hide and seek game we had played with my cards! The board I made for him to find them..I wondered at first why he would be giving me this if I had always meant for him to keep it. I tore at his wife's letter anxious to know why.

Dear Reed-sama,  
I am regretful to inform you that my dear husband Xiaolin, has passed away. He was found three weeks ago in the onsen, his wrists cut. A parchment was found beside him with instructions to send you this, along with a sealed letter from him. I have done as was his last request, his body will be sent back to China to his birthgrounds..the ceremony will be held in one week which you are more than welcomed to attend...  
I dropped her letter half way through and took out the smaller sealed note at the bottom of the package, careful not to wet it with the tears in my eyes. I tore past the seal and unfolded the letter with shaking hands.

My Dearest Clow..  
I know this might come as a shock to you, you must be angry with me. I found myself against a wall...thinking about it over and over. I missed you..so much that it hurt. I couldn't pretend anymore, I couldn't sleep beside her wishing it was you every breathing moment. I couldn't wake up anymore hoping my life was just a bad dream. I thought about coming back to China and running away with you..but I knew you would never stand for such things. So there was no way out..nothing left to do. If I couldn't be beside you all the time physically..I would do so in spirit. That is why I have said goodbye to life here on this earth and will instead live in the other one you used to tell me so much about, waiting for you. I love you Clow..I always will.  
Eternally yours,  
Xiaolin

I had to write this over in my journal..every one of his words. I will never forget them as long as I live..I will never love another as long as I live. My love died with Xiaolin tonight."

Syaoran dropped the book. He closed it and pushed it away from him. He could not believe what he just read. All this time Clow had been to him and his family this genki, ecentric, trickster wizard with odd ideas, customs and endless power, enough to transcend death. He never thought there was more depth to him, that there was this deep pain behind his cheerful eyes. Syaoran had been knocked for a loop and he wasn't sure if he wanted to keep reading. For now Syaoran was going to leave the book alone, let everything sink in and return to the world of the living since he had cooped himself up for a few days reading about Clow's life. It was time to live his own again. 


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3 

"But don't you want to know about Yue, Keroberos and Clow? You haven't gotten to the end yet!" Meiling whined the next morning.

"I'd rather not know..maybe I shouldn't have read this thing at all." Syaoran frowned as he practiced forms.

"You are missing out. It will get better in the end..Clow will make more sense to you. You might make more sense to you.." she pouted.

Syaoran snapped up. "What are you talking about?"

"Nothing, it's just that I know you have been a little depressed since you found out about Sakura and Tomoyo back in Japan, but I know there is a part of you that is oddly calm about the whole thing. I know you Syaoran..you were more distraught when we broke our engagement..not to mention all the time you spent trying to confess to Sakura in the beginning. To have her break up with you now for her best friend and you spend your time reading instead of mourning..well..let's just say you might not understand it now..but you will later. So finish the book!" Meiling said with an urgency to her tone.

Syaoran dug the tip of his sword into the ground, pushing it deeper absently. He folded his arms and rested them on the hilt as his eyes looked thoughtfully at the dirt.

"I don't think I want to know why I am.. the why I am. I'd rather not deal with all of this.." Syaoran huffed.

"I didn't know the great Xiaolang gave up so easily. The one who will lead on the Li Clan gives up as easily as Xiaolin did in Japan?" Meiling taunted.

"Don't EVER compare me to him! Xiaolin gave up his life without a second thought of what might happen to Clow..what Clow would do. The pain he caused was great because he was a coward who couldn't go on living. He never knew how much Clow loved him!" Syaoran spurted out angrily.

"So then why don't you show me you're not a quitter and finish the book?" Meiling said a smirk playing on her face.

"Fine! But I'm doing this to prove you wrong!..Nothing else!" He blurted and with that said he turned heel and ran back to his room, his sword forgotten in the ground.

Meiling walked up the vertical free-standing sword and pulled it out of the ground.  
"Learn to let go..right?"

Syaoran burst into his room, pulled up the book from under his bed and flung himself angrily on his sheets. In seconds he had reopened the book and flipped to the last page he had left off at. Resting his chin comfortably on his hand he resumed his reading.

_"April 26th,_

Today was Xiaolin's funeral.."

_"August 2nd_

I've felt so alone these past months. I have moved out of my families house and devoted my time to my magic abilities. I have perfected it to the point where today I tried my hand at creating something of my own. So I made a creature companion. I don't really know what he is, but I decided he would be my guardian and my friend. I've named him Keroberos, and in guardian fashion, he is strong and grand looking..but I did give him a friendly personality..kind of takes after me when it comes to silliness. I haven't felt this good in a long time. Perhaps this is my niche. Also I have started delving into accurately predicting the future. Not just the near future but the long term future so that what happened to Xiaolin never happens again. Let's see where my magic goes from here.."

"October 1st,

My family has started realizing that I am getting older and older. They are starting to ask me if I will ever marry. The thought of marriage only reminds me of Xiaolin and his fate, it's not something I think I will ever want to do. Keroberos has been growing in personality and curiosity. He also wonders what I'm so secretive about, but he does bring great joy into my life. Just giving him baths with my bubble card is enough to throw me into giggles. Still, life in China too near to my inquisitive family is weighing on me. I have considered moving to Japan and setting up my permanent home there. I want to be in the land where my Xiaolin died..where his spirit still walks. Besides I want to test out my magic further..especially since Keroberos has been feeling a little lonely and I don't want them around to see how far my magic has gone..besides I suppose he needs a brother of some type. Or maybe..I need something more.."

Syaoran raised an eyebrow. "I think I know where this is heading.."

_"February 28,_

'You can't stay there all alone Clow' my aunt had told me, when I told her I was leaving. Of course I told her I wasn't alone, that Keroberos was with me. It took forever to convince them that I needed to go off on my own, I convienently left out the reason why I chose Japan however. And now..here I am settling into the small town of Tomoeda. I haven't visited Xiaolin's widow. I heard she re-married, but Xiaolin has left her with a child. Either way this mansion is so large..with only Keroberos and I..it seems so empty. Today Keroberos asked me again if I would make another companion. Then he told me something that kind of got to me. He said I looked lonelier than he did. Perhaps it was his way of telling me that I should let go of the past. Maybe the time has come. I think I'll begin with that little experiment of mine."  



	4. Chapter 4

Ok this part of the story should be more familiar to CCS fans, though some of Clow Reed's stuff is obviously made up, I tried to think of a way to tie things in and hopefully it came out pretty satisfactory. /writes other chapters/ 

Thanks to MornMeril who is keeping up with this stuff it seems/waves/ yay!

**Chapter 4**.

_"Monday April 11, _

Today was the moment of truth. I have finally done the ultimate. I have created a human-like companion. Of course he'll never really be human. He's sleeping on my lap now as I write. He must be exhausted. I didn't want to model him after Xiaolin exactly..afraid I will always be comparing them. I don't want my Yue to have to live up to him. Yes, that's right. I named him after the chinese moon, it was after all, the one thing Xiaolin and I loved. Just like the moon, I gave him long silver hair..pale blue eyes and porcelain skin. I wanted him to be the embodiement of the moon itself, with all it's cold gracefulness. He has my more serious personality since Keroberos' sillyness needs a catalyst..much like Xiaolin had been for me. But the one thing I also endowed him with was a loyal heart. Like Keroberos he has powers and like Keroberos he was given white wings. Yue will be my child, my companion, my angel. He will be the closest thing to a person that I am willing to spend the rest of my life with. Both my creations make me so happy. I can't wait to start my new life in this new country, with my two guardians."

"Well now I know how Yue came about.." Syaoran mumbled as he shifted his position on the bed and puffed at his bangs. He turned the page.

"_July 16,_

_It's funny when you look back on life. I still think about my years with Xiaolin..I don't think I will ever really stop loving him. We grew up together and only a year ago he left this world. And still...I woke up this morning. Kero's fuzzy lumbering self was snoring at the foot of my bed and next to me..next to me was an image that stirred my heart. Yue was also asleep and I tried not to move as I noticed his delicate hand resting on my chest. I sat up a little, taking in the way the light spilled on his long, untied hair. It's true that the sun is what really makes the moon so beautiful..I saw it in Yue as he slept. I swept away his bangs from his angelic face and he awoke at my touch. He opened his lazy eyes and slowly smiled at me. I don't know what it is. I couldn't possibly love my own creation, but he does do something to my heart. It's in a different way than the care I have for Keroberos. Kero is sort of like an intelligent pet..but Yue..perhaps I should not have made him so human. Either way he stretched, kicked Keroberos by mistake and of course the moment was over as Keroberos awoke noisily. Of course I laughed at their antics. Patience and tolerance are probably things I should have given Yue a little extra more of..but then I wouldn't have as much fun."_

Syaoran could tell Clow had started feeling better since his creation of Yue..and what exactly were his feelings now?

_"October 17th_

_"I Love you Clow" Yue had told me this evening as I gazed at the moon on my balcony. His innocent yet serious eyes glowed with the moonlight and he lowered his head to my shoulder. I stroked a hand through his long hair and told him the only thing I could say.  
"You don't know what love is."  
His eyes teared up and he pounded into my chest angrily.  
"How could you not know how I feel? Why did you make me if not to be by your side forever? I'm not a man like you..I'm not even human, but I know what I feel..my heart beats like yours and I see the way you look at me.I know you feel like I do!"  
I smiled at him..it was about the only thing I could ever do anymore. It was true I had grown to love Yue deeply and part of me wanted to forget my first love and move on. But I couldn't do that when everything reminded me of him. My heart would always belong to Xiaolin and it wasn't something Yue could understand.  
"I love you Yue. But my love for you is like that of Keroberos. It is like a father for his son. I could never truly love you the way you want."  
"Then who do you love? You live in this house, in this country but you don't interact with anyone. Not even members of your own family back home. All you ever do is stare at the moon, spend time with us and perfect your magic. You keep this intense search for knowing about the future and though you smile happily day after day there is something mysterious about you. You read books, you sip tea, you play with your cards..you tell us about life in England, but never about China. What are you holding back master? Why wont you let it go?"  
He had wrapped his arms around me sobbing into my shoulder. I held him close calming him as much as I possibly could. It broke my heart, but the time had come for me to be painfully clear.  
"I'm sorry Yue..my heart will never truly belong to anyone. Not even you."  
He stopped crying then, wiping his own tears. He looked up at me with a determined cold gaze and stepped away standing long and rigid.  
"I'll prove you wrong."  
Then he turned and walked back into the house. I knew this night had been coming for a long time. My guardian was intelligent and keen..maybe too keen. Because of his moon powers he felt emotions strongly and his intuitive nature was dead-on. He was determined with a goal I knew he would never achieve. Or did I? I now wanted to know the future more than ever."_

"Aha! I knew there was something between Yue and Clow all along." Syaoran exclaimed, his head popping up from the book.  
So it was true, Yue loved Clow. It was no wonder he felt so confused when he met Eriol. Syaoran never knew how much Yue suffered for Clow and it was probably the main reason for his cold nature. He probably never wanted to get so attached to anyone ever again if they were going to eventually leave him. He wondered what Yue would do the day Sakura's life on this earth ends. Or what he would do the day Touya's does, considering how much Yukito loves him. Speaking of Yukito..

Syaoran read the book for a long time. Most of the other entries were certain normal events that happened year after year. The birthdays of his gaurdians. A trip to China. Holidays and special little moments the three shared. Nothing was mentioned again about Xiaolin or Clow's quest for the future untill the last few pages of the book.

_"August 14,_

_I finally did it. All these years perfecting my magic and I have done what no other sorceror has been able to do. I have seen into the future..beyond my years. I realize my time is near..for no sorceror who has seen his own death can live for very much longer. I understand now what I must do and I realize what my quest has only gotten me after all these years of searching. I have become the most powerful sorceror in the world and it's a very dangerous thing, unstable as I may become some day. I don't trust myself with all this power, it is too much for one single person and I yearn to rejoin my Xiaolin as I have seen his spirit on the other side. Looking into the future I have seen things will turn out fine but my body grows old and I will not be able to perform my ultimate goal. It must be done in another manner and I know exactly how to do it..but it must mean the end of my life here. Tonight I will spend the night with Yue..like he has always wanted. It is my last loving deed as his creator, to give him the one thing he has always wanted. I can finally let go of my past since I know my future."_

Syaoran could not believe he had finally come down to the last days of Clow's life. He hungrilyturned the page to his last entry.

_"December 31st_

_The snow fell lightly this night as I told Yue and Keroberos that my time is at an end. I have grown too powerful in spirit but too weak in body. Yue refused to listen to my fate. He knew I could stop this all if I really wanted to, but I had a bigger quest in mind now. Keroberos understood and he did his best to calm Yue down. I smiled at my two guardians for I would miss them tremendously. I had shared so much with them and was glad I made them. But I was conforted by the fact that their new master would love them even more than I ever could have. She will have a beautiful life, and because of that stability she will be the perfect one as heir for my power and the Reed line will continue. I will be reborn, in England as I had done so in this life. I will help her become more powerful than I could ever be. The world will rest peacefully in her hands, but she will need help more closely than I could ever give her. That is where Yue and Keroberos come into play. She will find love in Yue's false form who's last name will be Tsukishiro..taking after my dear Xiaolin. She will be good to him like Xiaolin's wife could have been. I will meet people up and down the way..but will ultimately be alone..though guardians I can create again if I should ever feel too lonely. But my heart..It may never truly find it's happy ending. With all my plans intact I gave my current guardians their last goodbyes. A tender kiss for Yue whom I had given a part of my heart to. I would see him again, in good hands. Then I transformed them and kept them dormant in the book that held my cards, so that one day the seal would be broken and they would be released ready to serve their new master._

_My time has drawn near. This is my last entry..and I go now to join my Xiaolin before we are reborn again to lead a new life._

_-Clow Reed."_

Syaoran put the book down and layed back into the soft pillow of his bed. He let out a long sigh.  
"So I had never been meant to enter the picture. Clow hadn't meant for his family in China to intrude, in a way I ruined Clow's plans."  
Syaoran looked at the Rashin board that hung in his bedroom wall. It had been Xiaolin's..the one who would be Yukito's ancestor but looked just like Syaoran from his chinese side.  
"So Yukito had always been meant for Sakura..just like Xiaolin had married that japanese girl. But Xiaolin and the girl never lasted..neither did Sakura's feelings for Yukito, and he fell for her brother..but!"

Then it struck him and he stood up straight breathing heavily from the sudden realization.  
"Xiaolin and his wife were not meant to be! He loved Clow. I look like Xiaolin, possibly his descendant, and I didn't last with Sakura..so then.."

Syaoran stared at the book, his heartbeat calming down.  
"Who was I meant for?"


	5. Chapter 5

Thanks for all the kind reviews people! I am glad you are all still sticking with this story XD. Here's a small twist for ya.. 

**Chapter 5**

Clows last words peirced into his eyes. _"I go now to join my Xiaolin.."  
_Then Meiling's words blasted into his head _"You will find out more about yourself."_

Syaoran's head reeled as he put the peices of the past and present together. Clow had loved Xiaolin and Xiaolin had loved Clow.. What was this saying to him? The Rashin board on his wall began to glow and Syaoran hopped down from his bed to grab it. He held it in his hands.

"What are you trying to tell me Xiaolin? You left this for me..I came to Japan to become master of the Clow Cards..but it had never been my destiny. So why did I come to Japan? To meet Sakura? That didn't end up being my destiny either so then..why?" Syaoran said to himself..chewing at his lip in hard thought.

Then suddenly like a strike of heavy lightning he was nearly floored as he finally understood what it all meant. Syaoran raced for the telephone on his dresser taking a quick look at his clock and counting the hour difference in his head.

"Good it's morning over there.." he said as he dialed numbers frantically.

On the other side a voice answered.

"Hello?"

"You knew..didn't you..you knew all about Clow's life up untill his death. You were the _only_ one who truly knew..not even Yue and Kero fathomed what his life had been like."

"What? How did you..what do you mean?" came the shocked reply.

"I found Clow's old Diary." Syaoran responded flatly.

The other end went silent for a moment

"Yes..it's true Syaoran..but what do you want to know now?" Eriol sighed on the other end.

"I didn't fall for Yukito because of his magic did I."

"No..as Clow's descendant, his blood in you pulled towards his former guardian. But that is only half of your blood. The other half is descendant from Clow's cousin Xiaolin...who was half Li on his mother's, half Tsukishiro on his fathers. That is why the attraction you felt for Yukito was strong but secondary and since Sakura finally became the heir to Clow's magic..you fell for her."

"But Sakura and I didn't last, because I had never been meant for her. I had been meant for you wasn't I?" Syaoran spat angrily.

He could almost see the sad look on Eriol's face as he responded. "It's true I had not predicted you and Sakura getting together..but your appearance in Japan, fighting for the cards initially threw all of Clow's predictions into a warp. See, Sakura had always been meant to be Card Mistress. As Xiaolin's descendant you came to Japan to eventually meet me..a reunion between Clow and his Xiaolin. But the time you spent with Sakura had the magic between you two pulling towards each other since, I had not shown up yet and she was the closest thing to Clow. By the time I did, the deal was done. Yukito fell for Touya and you two got together."

"So then you.."

"It was too late for me..I ended up with the only other person besides Xiaolin and Yue to love Clow. The descendant of Madoushi..Kaho Mizuki." Eriol sighed.

Syaoran's gaze dropped to the floor of his bed as his tone softened with it, "But Clow never truly loved Madoushi..so does that mean..."

"It doesn't matter what it means now, Syaoran.."

Syaoran grew more forceful again, "It does! This all got screwed up..Xiaolin's spirit wanted me to come back and meet you..but it got twisted around by fate..when I should have known all along, paid more attention to my feelings around you..more importantly, how could you let me? Why didn't you say something, show me something? I never knew why you made me blush so much..why I couldn't stand being around you. It wasn't because I hated you like I previously thought, I was just shy, jealous, confused! And you knew it!"

"How could I have done anything? You fell for Clow's creation..Yukito so instantly, but you didn't fall for his reincarnation. When I saw everyone pairing with people they weren't destined for I took it as a sign. I thought you and Sakura would further the Reed bloodline, so I did the best that I could with my own destiny. Clow had always predicted I'd end up alone.."

"Well if I screwed up his initial predictions then let me screw them up again! Eriol..I now realize I..I.." Syaoran stuttered nervously.

"Don't say it! You don't truly know what you feel..our past lives don't have much to do with our present. I have to tell you the same thing I told Yue. I am not Clow..as such you can't be sure that you would love me as Xiaolin did..or that I.." Eriol trailed off hesitantly.

"So tell me now Eriol. Do you..or do you not love me? With all your memories of Clow aside, with our past lives aside..what do you feel for _me_?" Syaoran stated as his last ultimatum.

Eriol's breath had stopped on the other end of the line once again. Time passed before he finally exhaled, sure of his answer.

"I'm sorry Syaoran.." Eriol sighed.

Syaoran was about to try again when he heard something in the background.

"Eriol-sama I'm taking Sakura shopping now! We'll be back in a few."

It was obviously Nakuru's voice but had Syaoran heard her say Sakura? He almost dropped the phone as his jaw hung.

"Eriol?" Syaoran began but the other quickly chimed in frantically.

"I..I have to go..Syaoran."

With that Eriol hung up leaving Syaoran sitting on his bed with the phone to his ear long after the dial tone went dead.  



	6. Chapter 6

OK this is the final chapter, a bit long, a bit rushed but good enough. I decided to cut the story a bit short just cause I hate dragging things out too much after a cliffhanger haha. So here you go! Thanks for all the comments guys. Enjoy!

**Chapter 6**

Eriol sat back in his chair after putting the phone back in it's reciever. He wiped his brow and breathed out softly. Behind him two long pale-skinned arms wrapped around Eriol as silvery hair draped around him.

"It didn't look very good for you just now did it, Eriol.."

"No it didn't Yue.." Eriol smiled.

Yue smiled back. "You know you say you are not Clow, but you are far too much like him."

Eriol turned to his former guardian. "What makes you say that?"

"You brood and brood some more. This is coming from me, mind you. But Yukito's side taught me to lighten up and so should you. This isn't Clow and Xiaolin anymore Eriol. Syaoran is not dead, you don't have to love him from afar. His spirit is calling to you like Xiaolin's always did for Clow..so why are you having such a hard time? Kaho is long gone, she was not meant for you just as Madoushi wasn't. Sakura is in good hands and so am I..so why do you remain alone?" Yue said rocking his reincarnated master like he had done so many lives before.

Yue turned back into his Yukito form and walked around the chair, kneeling in front of the downcast Eriol.

"It's time you told him the truth. Clow made me an insightful moon guardian..you should take my advice now, like he had back then. Take your life into your own hands and reunite with the love you _don't_ have to lose this time around."

Yukito ended his advice in a sweet cheerful smile. It made Eriol smile in return. Touya walked into the living room.

"Ready to go? The show will be starting soon and we need to find a cab." He said to his lover.

Yukito arose and nodded. He put a reassuring hand on Eriol's shoulder and left after a small squeeze. Eriol sat pensively on his chair for a long time.

* * *

"But you can't possibly know for sure!" Meiling stated.

"I heard Nakuru say Sakura's name and Eriol hung up quickly after that." Syaoran huffed, his arms crossed as he sat at the breakfast table in the morning.

"But didn't Sakura say she was with Tomoyo in her letter?" Meiling continued.

"They obviously lied, both of them. Perhaps it was too painful for Sakura to tell me she got with Eriol and maybe that's why Eriol was too reluctant to admit any feelings for me." Syaoran replied, a frustrated hand to his forehead.

Meiling slammed her chopsticks down and stood up angrily. "Listen to yourself, have you any idea how ridiculous you sound? Sakura wouldn't lie like that. She had the courage to tell you she couldn't wait for you anymore instead of stringing you along and now you are ready to believe she is having a secret affair with Eriol? I don't buy it! You know what you have to do right?"

"I'm not Xiaolin, I wont kill myself.." Syaoran mumbled.

"No! Idiot!..You have to confront this and find out the truth!"

Syaoran raised his head to look at her, and she didn't have to say anything further by the intense look in her eyes.

"You're right."

* * *

It had been a long trip around the world, but Syaoran hardly noticed as he hopped out of the cab and payed the driver. Taking out his small bag, he took in his surroundings. It was a nice suburban view, but the most prominent thing was the mansion in front of him. Finally done with the british scenery, he walked up the steps to the door and hesitated before knocking. He wasn't as brave as he had been coming over here and the million things he had thought of saying escaped his mind so easily at that moment. Did he really want to knock on the door just to find Eriol and Sakura in bathrobes or something of the sort?

He had no time to think as the door opened on it's own. He was surprised to see Tomoyo's face behind it.

"Tomoyo?"

She smiled and pulled him into the house.

"Sakura's been expecting you since this morning." she chirped leading the stunned boy through the hall and into the living room.

Syaoran couldn't understand what was going on, but before he knew it he was sitting on one of Eriol's many couches, with Sakura and the rest.

"Boy do you look stupid!" said the little winged Kero as he flew up to his face.

Syaoran flicked him away and straightened his composure.

"I know you are a little confused, but it's really quite easy Syaoran." Sakura started.

"Eriol invited us over to tour a little bit of England. But that's not all. You see Sakura's decided to delve into divination, since her father got better. She didn't want anything like that to surprise her ever again, so she wanted some guidance from Eriol so that she does it right. I'm sure you know the consequences of knowing too much about the future." Tomoyo explained.

"So that's why I only saw you coming this morning." Sakura finished.

Syaoran looked around the place.

"I get that now..but.." he started.

"You want to know where Eriol is.." Yue said striding into the room.

"Back from the show already?" Sakura said greeting him.

He nodded, "Yes, Touya is resting now."

He turned back to Syaoran. "Eriol isn't here. He wasn't aware that you would be coming here. He took off for China to see you. It was my mistake in a way. I told him he had to sort matters out with you once and for all."

Syaoran sighed but Sakura smiled and took something out of her pocket handing it to Syaoran. He looked at it.

"I had anticipated something like this would happen so I went ahead and got you a return flight. I called Meiling and told her to hold Eriol there and to wait for you." Sakura said with a smile.

Tomoyo took her hand. "You're getting so good with telling the future, Sakura-chan."

They smiled warmly at each other. Syaoran sweat-dropped. So it seemed Sakura hadn't lied after all.

"It's nice to see you again..Syaoran." She said after her luvy-dovey fest with Tomoyo ended.

Syaoran rubbed his head, "It's nice to see you too..and I suppose you know..by now."

Sakura raised a reassuring hand as she giggled, "It's OK, you see the funny thing about wanting to know the future, is that you can't understand it without knowing the past. So I have seen a lot of the past..including _Clow's_ past."

She ended her remark with a wink.

"You should go now, Master Li..Eriol is still waiting for you." Yue said with a small smile.

Syaoran nodded.

* * *

"You should have seen Syaoran's face when he told me he thought that you and Sakura..." Meiling said, laughing up a storm.

Eriol smiled sweetly at her, "I shouldn't have hung up so hastily, it really didn't look right, but Syaoran did have me up against a wall there."

"He will literally when he gets here, though it might be a good thing for you." she winked.

Eriol blushed at the thought.

"So where were we?" Meiling interrupted.

"Oh yes..that's right. Well ok so I raised the staff like this and swirled it around like this.." he said while Meiling grabbed his sun staff and he led her motions from behind, "and then I raised it up and darkness fell over the world!"

"Wow.." she said impressed as she held the staff that would never glow in her hands.

A-HEM! came the sound from behind them. The two turned to see Syaoran standing there with his arms crossed, and broke apart quickly.

"So I think you're after Sakura..but then I come home and catch you with my own cousin!" He said, his eyebrows furrowing angrily.

Meiling blanched, as Eriol shook nervous hands in front of him trying to defend himself.

Syaoran smiled suddenly, "Relax..it's just a joke."

Meiling swung at him, "Don't **_DO_** that BAKA!"

Eriol chuckled as he walked half the distance to meet with Syaoran in the middle.

"And all this time, I thought I was the one with the evil pranks."

"Well you have a lifetime to show me, that is..if you want to." Syaoran said sheepishly.

Eriol kissed him lightly, his arms wound around him tightly "I didn't come half way around the world to play tricks with Meiling you know.."

"I heard that!" She said, as the two guys smiled at her.

"But...You can make up for that by telling me who I'm meant for.." she said coyly.

Eriol smiled at his destined love as he answered, "Life is unpredictable, Meiling."

Fin


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